Fighting, oh fighting, how I hate thee...

I hate getting in arguments, and unfortunately my honey and I do from time to time. There are a few things I know that start them, generally a careless word, serious discussions late at night or early in the morning, or a huge misunderstanding. Like the other day my honey thought I called him a "Pig," what I said was "I feel like I am throwing my pearls to the pigs." This one happened to be a huge misunderstanding on both of our parts, which erupted into a few different conversations about it.


When we do get into an argument we go at it using the empathy approach (something we were taught when we were just a few months into dating). We wanted to make sure that we got off to a great start since we knew that we would marrying each other within a few months of knowing each other.


Here is a demonstration of the empathy approach using our latest "misunderstanding."


1. State the issue using "I feel statements" (first person talks, 2nd person repeats for understanding then you reverse roles)

• My Honey: " I felt like you were calling me a pig, when you said 'You feel like you are throwing your pearls to pigs and it hurt.'"


• Me: "So you are saying, you felt like I called you a "pig" when I said that to you and I hurt you?"


• My Honey: "Yes"


• Me: " I felt like you were not listening to me when I was giving you advice and you had asked for it and so I said "I feel like I am throwing my pears at the pigs" and I meant it in the parable way, not that I think you are a pig."


• My Honey: "So you feet like I wasn't listening to you when I had asked for advice and that is why you made that comment about me?"


• Me: "Yes"

2. Each say 3 ways you contributed to the situation (first person talks, second person repeats for understanding then reverse roles)

• My Honey: "The three ways I contributed to this situation was by me not acknowledging what you were saying, by not realizing that I needed time to think about what you were saying, and by thinking that you straight out called me a pig."


• Me: " So you contributed by thinking I called you a pig, you didn't realize you needed time to think about what I was saying, and you did not acknowledge what I was saying."


• My Honey: "Yes"


• Me: "I contributed to the situation by not checking to see that you understood or heard what I was saying, by assuming you were not listening, and by saying 'I feel like I am throwing pearls to pigs' and not checking for understanding."


• My Honey: 'You contributed by not checking with me that I understood what you were saying, by assuming I was not listening, and by saying what you did without clarification."
• Me: "Yes"

3. Both come up with ideas on how to prevent such an argument in the future: (both can share at the same time one after the other).

• Me: "You (my honey) could let me know by head nods, or saying 'yes' that you heard me."
• My Honey: "I could let you know if I need time to think about what you are saying."

This is how the conversation really ended up going and it only took about 20 minutes of our time to figure out that neither of us were at fault, no one felt like the criminal at the end and we felt like we could go on in our day without being super angry with each other.

I really believe that a lot of couples would be better off if they used this approach rather than battling it out and causing deeper issues that will resurface later (really, they will people carry around their crap for a long time). I also believe that people who do not deal with issues like this in a healthy way line themselves up for offence which leads to bitterness which is sin. No couple wants to open a door up to the devil in their marriage, and offence is an open door.